Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Credit to

Credit to

Normally, I’m not one for celebrity gossip. Unless there is an announcement that Justin Timberlake or Luke Bryan are suddenly single, then frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Yet one exception slipped in this morning: the feud between – what I’m now guessing are former friends – Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone.

Apparently the sitch is that we won’t be seeing Bruce Willis in Expendables 3. The reason why – money. Producers needed Willis on set for four days, to which they offered him $3 million. But Bruce wanted $4 million – essentially, a $1 million/day fee. And then Sly took it to Twitter, calling dear friend Brucey “greedy” and “lazy”. Scarily enough, my first response to all of this is why on Earth are these big time actors feuding over $1 million? They are rich as hell already. And my second thought – $3 million – that’s more than most people make in a lifetime. But then that leads me to think that Bruce Willis is selfish and materialistic, and I can’t bear to think of my beloved John McClane that way. But if Bruce is selfish, then I have to say that for being 67 years old, Sly himself isn’t very mature. We aren’t in high school now, boys. But if we were, call me, maybe?

Although I guess I should give some background as to why I care about these two in the first place. In the summer of 2007, I had spinal surgery, and was literally on my ass for three months. The total recovery for that surgery took over a year, but those first three months, I was barely walking. Which meant one thing: lots of television, books, and mastering the expert level of Carry On My Wayward Son on Guitar Hero. Based on my aunt’s recommendation, I decided to check out the Rocky and Die Hard series. I started with Rocky, and as cheesy as it sounds, that movie actually inspired me to speed up my recovery in any way possible. I became obsessed – I got my friends obsessed, I listened to the soundtrack over and over. And no, not on my iPod, but on our stereo system – my parents deserve a medal because they came home from work every day for a month only to hear Eye of the Tiger playing.

And then Die Hard came along. And again, give my parents another medal because my response to everything a week after seeing that movie was yippee-ki-yay motherfucker. To this day, I still think that is one of the best one-liners to ever hit the big screen. And that summer was spent continually wishing that I had been alive when these actors were in their prime – like yes please, let me date John McClane or Rocky. Right away. I don’t even care that they are Republicans! I mean, have you seen the scene in Rocky where Rocky and Adrian are at his place for the first time, and she’s busy acting all innocent, and then he comes along and rests his extremely chiseled arms on his pull up bar or one of the pipes in his apartment or whatever the hell that thing is and then so long as you’re human, you end up turning in to a great, big pile of mush? Although I’ll concede that “yo, Sam!” doesn’t have quite the ring “yo, Adrian!” does.

Basically, I care because these actors and the characters they played hold a very special place in my heart. And while I was hardcore crushing on the seventies version of Stallone and the eighties version of Willis, I also adored the fact that they were best friends in real life. Well, up until today, I guess. And the potential for a threesome was there. So long as I somehow invented a time machine. And dear God, Dad, I pray you never read this post. Otherwise, I’m going to be handing out medals to you left and right. I also pray that these two resolve their – let’s be honest, extremely petty – differences. Don’t let the friendship die over $1 million and a few meaningless Twitter insults, guys. We’re better than that. You’re better than that. Here’s to keeping the bromance alive.

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