The Ugly Christmas Sweater

It’s official. Halloween is over. And although I haven’t taken down my decorations quite yet, it’s time for me to move on. And while I could start the countdown to America Overeats Day Thanksgiving, I’ll instead look forward to bigger and better and merrier things. CHRISTMAS. ‘Nuff said.

This story starts with a young and beautiful woman kicking off November with a twinkle in her eye. And as I’m sure y’all are fairly brilliant, you know that the woman is moi. Props for cracking that case, Sherlock. My faithful minions know I am pursuing my MBA, and because we are on the quarter system, I have already registered for winter quarter classes (that don’t start until January 2014, mind you). But a new quarter means new supplies and a grumbling Sam shelling out a shit ton of money on textbooks that are clearly not worth $250 used. I mean, WTF? And upon perusing our campus bookstore, I found our version of the ugly Christmas sweater. Although I don’t think dolling up some material of grey polyester with candy canes shaped to form hearts counts, guys. But still, I bought one. And I plan on wearing the shit out of that thing. Starting now. Because there are only 50 days until Christmas, and I cannot wait.

Yet the whole ugly Christmas sweater thing – or our meager cute attempt at one – got me thinking. Ugly is the new trendy, perhaps? Maybe it’s the whole love of the vintage era thing. Or maybe everyone is simply following in Macklemore’s footsteps. He clearly thinks he looks “incredible” in his “granddad’s clothes,” after all. But this so called fad has basically morphed into a cultural touchstone amongst our generation. Another win for the Millennials. And another stolen idea from the hipsters. Sorry, you guys, but your brainchild is truly phenom. Either way, the ugly Christmas sweater is now ubiquitous with the holidays.

And like I said, with 50 days until Santa drops off my loot, the holiday parties are going to start snowballing. Get it? I know, I know, you come to my blog not just for the quality reading, but for the laughs, too. And what happens to be a running theme throughout said parties? You guys guessed it again. The ugly Christmas sweater. I mean it, if Sherlock ever loses Watson, I’m referring him to you. At these parties, the alcoholics attendees choose the tackiest pieces from their wardrobe, adorn the red and green, and accessorize from the granny collection. Nothing against grannies here, my grandmother happens to be fabulous.


But really, all you need for your sweater to be deemed as “ugly” is some itchy material decked out with oversized snowflakes, reindeers with fluffy red pompom balls for noses, or a fat and drunk Santa eating the gingerbread man. Okay, maybe not the latter. We don’t need a truly morbid image ruining Christmas. No matter what kind of pullover you choose, the point is to lose the traditional knits and get with the times, which in this case, happens to be the 1980s – the last time these Christmas sweaters hit top notch popularity.

Throughout November and December, Internet searches for “ugly Christmas sweaters” skyrocket by over 30 to 40 percent. And not only that, but the whole thrift store tactic goes out the window, with some people spending upwards on their sweaters of what I spend on my used textbooks. The irony is not lost on me. Both online and brick-and-mortar retailers know that they can profit off of these gems. People clearly have money to blow on these garments. High-end retailers such as Nordstrom are hiking up prices for these babies, and the whole point of vintage is, in some ways, slipping away, as some shoppers have forgotten all about Goodwill and the Salvation Army. I mean, why spend $5 on something when you can get the exact same thing for $50? Again, I’ll just say, the irony is not lost on me. While some sites like are staying true to the sentiment of poking fun at “grandma’s sweaters,” others like have dedicated themselves to promoting a naughty line of ugly Christmas sweaters. But with the right man standing under the mistletoe, I’m more than okay with having my name placed on The Naughty List.

Just be sure to use protection.

For me as a manager, the craze also works to my benefit. And what’s good for the goose is even better for Sam. The sweaters prove to be a major hit amongst any and all social media platforms, which means as a woman pioneering her way through marketing, I can organize a cornucopia full of contests, sweepstakes, and giveaways. You might as well get used to – and embrace – the holiday puns now. I’ve already admitted I’m an addict a fanatic. And it’s not just social media getting in on the gig. From themed pub crawls to 5k runs to even fashion shows, everyone is jumping on the pompom and sequin-laced bandwagon.

As for me personally, I’m a fan of all things Christmas, so stick Prancer, Dancer, and Vixen on some wool and hand it over. I might be itchy, but I sure as hell will be warm and cozy. Not to mention holly and jolly. Tis the season, y’all.



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