With You

First off, I’d like to apologize for my mini blogging hiatus. I decided to take a technology tune out during the week of Thanksgiving. Forgive me?

And now that I am back, I am hoping that this shamelessly romantic piece I composed will make up for it. Because let’s face it, I’ve got mad love for all y’all.

With you, things are different.  From the way I experience food to the way I dream, it’s different.  It’s better.

You make me forget.  The little stresses of work, life, the things that keep me up at night, the worries, the wondering, and all the white noise – it goes away with you.  I don’t know how you do it, but your presence calms me.  It somehow always lets me know that everything is going to work out, it’s going to be okay, we’re going to make it.  Who knew that one individual was capable of driving away all the chaos?

You make me confident.  Growing up, I had never been part of the popular clique, never been deemed incredibly pretty, and could never pull off outfits the way those twelve-year-old leggy blondes could.  I never felt mundane, but I was never fully assured of myself.  And to know that one person could render me beautiful, intelligent, worthy – it’s incredible and frightening at the same time.  To know that one person has that much power, to know that I have given you that power – but am incapable of ever taking it away, it is vulnerability in its purest form.  But you, you make me feel admired and loved, and I no longer need a bunch of people looking my way, I just need you looking at me.  In your eyes, your vision of me, I see the person I should be, the person I want to be, and the person I can be.

With you, Saturday and Sunday mornings are revolutionized.  Rather than a routine, those are the days I look forward to the most.  Not because it’s simply the weekend, but because I get to have the most perfect moments with someone I’ve deemed as perfect.  Surrounded by a blue comforter and a pair of blue eyes reflecting a pair of brown ones.  Your thumb tracing down my spine, my lips pressed against your neck.  And even though it’s happened countless times, the butterflies have never ceased.  It’s tangled legs, lost pants, floor-strewn shirts, skin upon skin.  Flames.  Heat.  Passion.  And it’s almost cruel, in a way, that some people will never get to know and experience the love I have – the kind that you hold on to so fiercely, the kind that you hope you never lose.

And those mornings are also tender.  Your freckles, my baby hairs, your nose touching my nose.  Forehead kisses, cheek kisses, butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, French kisses.  It’s never enough and yet it is – so long as we remain under the warmth of the blankets, with the curtains drawn, and sounds of only pillow talk and whispered words.  Pretending it’s still dark long after the sun has come up.

And I never knew how much I could enjoy the smallest things in life – and how much I would miss them when we weren’t together.  Simply holding your hand is electric.  I can still remember the first time you held my hand – it was the same night you asked me to be your girlfriend, walking after dinner, and you slowly slipped your fingers between mine.  It was so uncomplicated, so effortless, but I still felt my heart leap into my throat.  And now holding your hand is one of my favorite things in the world – when you reach over as you’re driving and you graze your thumb over my knuckles or when we’re nothing but laughs and smiles and you grab my hand to pull me towards you to kiss me.  Those moments have transformed into some of my favorite memories.

The fact that two people can create such meaningful traditions out of what some would call meaningless events is a beautiful thing.  Weekend nights filled with the songs of John Mayer resonating from your speakers and a shared mirror reflecting a synchronization of teeth brushing and stolen glances.  Scary movies, Parks and Recreation, The Office, java chip ice cream, lemon poppy seed muffins, Thai food – a random array of things, but we both love them all, and they make up what makes us unique.  What makes us rare.  What makes me happy, and what makes me miss you the nights I stare up at the ceiling with only an empty left side of the bed beside me.

With you, I also learned to love again.  You taught me how to trust, how to open up, how to believe, and how something better – something amazing – can rise up from the ashes.  Doubt had followed me around like an uninvited friend, and I had just about gotten used to its presence, and then you came along and changed everything.  You, with your wit, your charm, your patience, your kindness, your goodness – you saved me.  I had wanted to tell you that I loved you about two months in – I knew I had fallen for you, not because of something major, but because of the culmination of everything you are.  Because three days in you decided to stick by me and support me in spite of my flaws.  Because four days in we went to a concert and you put your arm around me as Gavin DeGraw sang Follow Through – it was about the beginning of something beautiful, and I leaned against you because four days in I knew every single word Gavin DeGraw sang in that song was becoming true for me.  Because on September 18, 2012, you drove 75 miles to wish me luck the night before my big job interview – and we sat on the floor and ate enchiladas and watched The Daily Show, and I remember how nice it was to sit silently with you and just be.  Because you took me to Oregon with you for Thanksgiving, and I got to meet your family, and November 20, 2012 marked the night you first told me you were in love with me.  Because you surprised me with a chocolate croissant the morning we flew home from New York since I was feeling sick.  Because you have held me when I’ve cried.  Because when we first see each other you hug me – and you continue to hug me, you never let go right away.  And because you have always been someone I can depend on, someone I can trust, and someone I can be my complete and total self around.  With you I’ve found a love deeper than what I thought was possible, a connection that I never knew could exist.  It truly is something.  It’s everything.

With you, I am better.  I know I can be generous, confident, loving – all of the things you so easily exude.  I sometimes feel a bit undeserving of your love, but then I remember the way in which you see me, and I know I am deserving of exactly this.  I deserve to be this happy and to feel this deeply.  I carry it around with me every day – the quiet knowing that I’ve found someone that suits me perfectly.  They say masterpieces take time, but it only took me 23 years to start building mine.  And sometimes I think about how I let one person in this much, and it feels good.  It’s rare – most people exist with their lover – or lovers – separate from their best friends, but mine is one in the same.  I’m blessed.  I’m lucky.  And I will never take any of this for granted.

With you, colors burn more brightly, those blissful crinkles by my eyes that appear when I’m smiling sink a little deeper, life is a little sweeter, and I am so much happier.  Everything is different.  Everything is better.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: