Why I Miss You

Love don't know what distance is.

Love don’t know what distance is.

We have spans of a few, short days together. Most of them consist of cheap food, hot sex, movie marathons, and endless happiness. We could be anywhere and I’d be happy. Because you’re there with me. And that’s more than enough.

Over the last few years, I’ve lost my belief in fate and have put all bets on chance. I found you thanks to a chance meeting. One random weekend in the heat of summer. The summer – where nothing ever remains platonic, does it? And I’m so glad it didn’t. And still doesn’t.

But love is never an easy affair. It requires a lot of work. And so I’ll love you. And until the day comes where we find ourselves in the same city, I will miss you.

I miss you because you’re the only one that can give me goose bumps by simply tucking my wandering strands of hair behind my ear. I miss you because you are the only person that can make me laugh so excruciatingly hard that, as embarrassing as it is when it happens, I actually drool (sometimes). And I’m always incredibly mortified, but you’ve never once judged me in spite of all my ridiculous antics. You’ll laugh with me even when you don’t feel like laughing. You’ve always been about sacrificing for me. Making me feel like a priority.

And while I’m missing you, I won’t think about the grey flecks in your eyes, I won’t reminisce about how clammy our hands become when we interlock them all throughout dinner. And lunch. And breakfast. And anytime we are driving in the car or walking around shops, plazas, sidewalks, running down streets, or under the bedroom sheets. I won’t think about all the times I’ve been attempting to cook in your kitchen and you’ll come up behind me, wrap your arms around my waist, and place your chin against my shoulder and kiss my cheek. I won’t think about those things. They will only make me miss you more. But I do anyway.

I miss you because of the way you know me. That sounds absurdly cliché, but it’s true. You know what my ideal breakfast is: nonfat Greek yogurt with both blueberries and raspberries and, if I’m feeling adventurous, a hint of Bare Naked granola. And you know that I’m more of a sucker for the raisins than the granola anyway, so you give me all of yours. You know that I have to dry my hair right after I shower. And I have to do this completely naked. I don’t just do this for your benefit – I’ve done it since I could hold a hair dryer because if I attempt to put any semblance of clothing on, I will sweat to death. But like I said, you already know that. You understand that when I hear a song I absolutely love, I will have a miniature fling with it – I will literally loop that same song for hours, and most of the time, it’s a country song, and it’s a love song, and you’ll dance around with me and let me sing out loud even though I can’t hold a note to save my life. You know that there are times where I become slightly obsessed with ideas, things, and people. To clarify, not in a stalker way. But you know that while most people would cringe at the thought of doing an Insanity workout, I always have the biggest grin on my face because those DVDs mean it’s training time with my favorite fitness guru of all time: Shaun T. And you let me gush about him, let me show you his Instagram pictures although you have no interest whatsoever in the man, and you will always tease me that he’s married…to a man. So my chances are somewhat limited.

I miss you because of the way you hug me. The way you kiss me. And to think, I had always believed that you were an imaginative romance. I never thought I would get in this deep with you, fall this hard, feel this much passion. But I do. And so I miss you every single day and night that I don’t get to start and end looking into those blue eyes with the grey flecks.

I miss you because of our inside jokes. The ones that you’ll whisper in my ear when we spoon – and I’ll end up laughing way too hard, all because you randomly decided to shout “HO!” (side note: I promise you, readers, he is not calling me the abbreviated version of a whore, but just to give you an even more in-depth look into my world, this inside joke comes from a day when we were both stuck in traffic and the song Ho Hey by The Lumineers came on the radio, and we rolled the windows down and for the entire song, shouted “HO!” out of the windows. It may not seem like the most mature thing for two people in their twenties to do, but like I said, it’s our inside jokes, so you don’t necessarily have to understand them. But if you do understand moments like this, we should be friends).

And I miss you because while everyone else is sending around Ryan Gosling memes, you and I are sending each other memes about Sarah Palin or Ted Cruz. I strangely miss you even when we are together. When you are shaving your scruff and I am in the shower. When I am fast asleep and you have to work on a weekend and leave at 5:30 in the morning. The moments we say hello are always so bittersweet because I know the beginning of every hello is always attached with a goodbye that will come in a day or two. I miss you when we are sitting next to each other eating dinner on your TV trays because we haven’t picked out a dining room table yet. Yes, I miss you even then because I can’t feel your lips on mine, I can’t feel the warmth of your hands on me, and because you have stirred something deep inside me to where I can finally believe that actual love particles have burrowed their way into my skin and have decided to nest in my heart. Forever.

It’s a weakness of mine. The way I miss you. What I don’t miss is that wide-open space that sets in when you aren’t around. I’ve never been codependent – I have friends, am freakishly close to my family, and have plenty to keep me busy – but there is a space that exists without you. And that’s how it is when you love someone so boundlessly and ideally. And so I’ll wait. I’ll love you. And I will miss you.

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