To the Friend I Miss the Most

It is a truly unfortunate circumstance that many of the friendships we create don’t necessarily last a lifetime. There’s that saying that goes something like, “people come into your life for a reason” and blah, blah, blah. But I say, “People should stay.” I hate that some friendships are so fleeting even though they mean so much. So this is for you. You know who you are.

We met purely by coincidence. My first job out of college, and you happened to have a desk that was five feet from my own. You showed me the ins and outs of the company, helped me navigate through the dynamics of a start-up environment, and we became fast friends. Close friends. Best friends. In all honesty, I can easily say you were one of my best friends. We only knew each other for one and a half years, but I guess that’s what happens when you spend over ten hours of your day side by side with someone.

And after about a month of getting to know each other within the walls of our office space, we discovered that we shared a mutual love for music. To this day, you’re still the only person I know that loves country music and hip-hop/r&b music equally. And as much as I do. Our first concert together was Javier Colon. At that point, I couldn’t tell if you asking me to go with you converted into subtle date speak. I would find out later that it wasn’t, but by the end of the night, you wished it had been titled our first date. I was still 22 and you were 28 and I had no idea what to wear. Why was I nervous about going out with my friend? And that was the first night I realized I had a small crush on you. That night where we nearly caught pneumonia standing out on the streets of San Francisco until midnight all so we could tell Javier how much we loved his music. That was also the first time we had ever hung out outside of work. And I liked it.

Our friendship continued to strengthen from there – spending mornings listening to Boyz II Men and Rascal Flatts and secretly singing together in our cubicles to you helping me edit my first company blog post, I felt extremely comfortable and at ease with you. My crush also continued to strengthen, but after nearly two months of lunches of you venting to me about other women you were dating (and me giving you the cold, hard truth – we had a no bullshit kind of friendship), I realized you were never going to see me the way I saw you, and needless to say, I got over the crush part of you and because of it, we became even closer friends.

We spent countless evenings cooking at your house (okay, I’ll be honest, you cooked, I ate all of the grilled white peaches you would make purely because you knew I liked them), watching movies, playing the piano, and laughing. When I look back on our friendship, that’s what I recall most – laughing.

What’s even more surprising is that I had no trouble being my real self around you. You’re the only person that’s ever seen me dance around in tiger ears and a tiger tail attached to my jeans (Calvin and Hobbes for the win, right?). You’re the person that was there the first time I watched Luke Bryan’s Drunk On You music video, and then sat there with me as I watched it another eight times. You’re the person that introduced me to Bi-Rite Creamery, Foreign Cinema, and the beauty – and sometimes, regretful aftermath – of eating five desserts at once.

Our friendship was stronger than most. Until it wasn’t. Until we both put our hearts in the game, and we both wound up losing. My head and my heart could never catch up with each other. Throughout our friendship, we hit points where I crushed on you, you crushed on me, I thought you could never like me like that, and then you fell in love and I didn’t fall back. As much as my mother adored you and how happy she saw I was with you, I had placed you in the “friend zone” during the beginning of our friendship and even when we flirted at times, I never really took you out.

But I know our friendship was real. I know it was real because we created so many amazing memories when feelings were never involved. I know it was real because nothing ever happened between us – we never dated, we never did anything more physical than a hug, and yet we still had the absolute best time together. I miss those times.

I miss spending a Wednesday afternoon singing karaoke at that random spot you took me to. And I somehow managed to belt out over twenty songs even though I can barely sing to save my life, and you actually can sing. I also know it was that Wednesday afternoon that I found myself acting self-conscious around you. And I appreciate all the confidence boosters you gave me when I attempted to sing that powerhouse ballad.

I miss going to concerts with you. Singing side by side to James Morrison, Rascal Flatts, and the many other artists we saw together.

I miss sitting on that couch you were so proud of on a Thursday night and watching reruns of The Office and hearing you complain that there were no more white peaches left.

I miss sleeping on that couch. Again, you are still the only man whose house I’ve slept over and it wasn’t for anything sexual. We had simply been talking for far too long and watching one too many movies (don’t think I don’t remember us running to Red Box at 2 a.m. because we had a craving to watch 21 Jump Street), and it was late, so I ended up borrowing some of your basketball shorts and stealing your Rascal Flatts t-shirt. The one we bought at that concert together. And yes, I do mean steal. Because I still have that shirt of yours.

I miss texting you. Hearing about your day after you left the company we met at – I actually cried the day you left. The company had been downsizing and they – stupidly – let you and many others go, and you had left the office while I was in some stupid meeting, and I came out to find your cube empty, and I cried on the phone to my mom because I was no longer going to get to see my best friend on a daily basis.

I miss stealing rulers off of your desk and you throwing those dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s at me. Was it the chocolate peanut butter cups or the chocolate covered pretzels? Either way, you would put them on the edge of your cubicle wall and make sure I never went hungry.

But most of all, I miss you. My friend, my musical soulmate, my partner in crime. I wish I could say these things to you; I wish there was a way you could stumble upon this post while perusing the Internet, read it, and then pick up the phone to text me and we could get our friendship back to the way it used to be. But too much time has passed. We let the space between us grow far too wide and for far too long. I still remember that October night we sat inside your car – the last time I saw you – when you told me you couldn’t be friends with me anymore because you were too in love with me, and I couldn’t commit myself to you because I thought crossing the line would ruin this perfect friendship. I watched you drive away, and at that time, I didn’t know it would be the last time I saw you. I wish I had known – I would have said so many other things; I would have fought to keep our friendship alive. It’s ironic that love is meant to bring two people together – but instead, the love you had for me versus the love I had for you ended up in a gruesome battle that left both of us without the other.

Your friendship meant everything to me. It still means everything to me. And I hope life has been good to you. You deserve it. You were nothing less than wonderful to me. I hope John Mayer is calling you up to open for a tour of his. I hope you think of me whenever you notice that Rascal Flatts t-shirt missing. I hope you find (or have already found) that final Boyz II Men teddy bear to complete your collection (I swear I looked far and wide for that thing for your birthday, but I could never find it). And I hope someday, we can be friends again. So here’s to someday, Hobbes.


  1. Litesun Hope says:

    Hey Sam, is the above blog about your friend(platonic) or your boyfriend? Also can one have such deep friendship with their platonic friends? Just asking.BTW, I found your other posts very gripping esp ‘A Public Apology’….

    • Hi! The post was about a friend – when we first met, I did have feelings for him, but eventually those initial crush feelings went away and we became best friends. However, he developed stronger feelings for me as time went on, but I guess our heads and hearts never really got there. I don’t know if it was completely platonic just because feelings were involved, but I really did feel a deep connection to him as a person. Thank you for asking, and thank you for reading my blog! 🙂

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