What Depression Really Feels Like

Depression is a nagging shadow. Shadow of doubt, I should say. That feeling that things are never going to go right, and you do not deserve for them to go right, after all. Since I was a teenager, I have battled on and off with depression and anxiety. I am not usually one to speak super openly about it, but lately I have noticed a trend where I see so many people that do not feel any genuine sense of happiness in their lives. And that is absolutely terrible. To feel broken and sit there counting floor tiles and waiting for life to bestow some sort of blessing upon us that will change the way we feel internally.

The past year and a half, I tried to grab everything and anything I could that I thought would give me happiness. That I thought would make this depression disappear. Finding an apartment, starting a new job, even traveling. Yes, these opportunities brought moments of happiness, but clinical depression is not something that can be defeated by sheer moments.

To be clear, depression is not really a distinct kind of sadness, but more of a numbness. Like walking on shards of broken glass and not giving two shits that your feet are being sliced raw. Or not really giving two shits about anything for that matter. That and beginning to realize that everything around you is incredibly irritating. Nails against a chalkboard irritating.

When I have suffered through my bouts of depression, I tend to crawl within myself. Internalize everything and push everyone that I love (and that loves me) away. And I become the queen of the pity party. I wind up telling myself that I am undeserving of love and there have been times where I have even sabotaged the good things in my life. It’s a vicious cycle, and I am just swimming in a pool of broken pieces of glass.

What’s worse is that although some people very close to me that understand why I may suffer from clinical depression, they do not understand depression itself. To note, telling a person that suffers from depression that they “have so much to be happy for” means absolutely nothing to said individual. Because depression is more than a fleeting feeling; it is a state of mind. I have only had a couple friends and partners that understand when I am going into a depressive state. The want to be completely alone, to remain in bed, and binge watch anything that may feed the depression. It can coat you like molasses and eat away at you slowly.

Don’t get me wrong, when I say depression is not a distinct kind of sadness, I do not mean that you do not necessarily cry. Because I have had some very ugly cries. Fetal position, no tissues nearby, and the insane notion that all I want is someone to hold me but also praying no one ever sees me like this. The hardest part is that I am not sure that this (i.e. depression) will ever go away. I have tried low dose antidepressants and I can tell you, I have felt the exact same way, on or off medication.

But it is okay to feel depressed. To feel like everything is meaningless and that maybe things won’t ever get better. The key is to fight it. As shitty as that sounds. Hell, I hate fighting it. There is nothing I want more to stay depressed once I feel that way. Not because it feels good, but because the mindset of depression is this: what is the point? What is the point of even feeling better? What good will that do? NOTHING. But the key is to force yourself to feel better. Now that typically doesn’t happen in an immediate fashion, but when we want to be alone most is typically when we need to be surrounded by warmth, empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of love. For me, there is one person in particular that I go to constantly when I start spiraling downward. But apart from this post, most people will never know my mindset and how it is to suffer from this kind of living state. And ever day it is a struggle. It is a fight. To take the shards of broken glass and build something that may be a little raw and formerly shattered, but still has a gorgeous shine.

Comments

  1. andawaysheflew says:

    This is beautifully said! I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for a very long time myself and just recently worked up the nerve to make a blog post about it. I applaud you for being able to open up and talk about something so terrifying to talk about! I hope you’re feeling well, and I hope you find inner peace and happiness as soon as possible! Keep on keeping on 🙂 ❤

    • Thank you so much for reading my post! And thank you for the encouragement. I hope the same for you, love. It’s a day by day process, and I am sending you so many positive vibes.

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