This Too Shall Pass

Why do you keep pushing me away? I continued to try and understand.
Clouds rolled over his eyes. I knew the storm was coming.
We’ve been through this. I haven’t felt this way about anyone since my first marriage. I never thought I would want to get remarried. I never thought I would fall in love like this. And everything with my son…
Every bone in my body knew I deserved better than what he had given me. I could feel the
stars burning. My heart was on fire. But hadn’t I been in this position before? Hadn’t I been the “bad guy” to a man that once loved me? How many chances am I giving here?
I love him. I know that much. I am in love with him.
I love you. I swear I could scream those three words over and over and I still am not
completely sure they would reach him.

Look, I promised you I was in this. I made that commitment to you. Ring or no ring. I told you, you are my teammate. That means I will always fight for you. For us. (Look at me, damn it.) I am not giving up. I know what we have. Maybe no one else does. But I do. I can have everything I have ever wanted with you. We can have it. A family. A marriage. The right marriage. But I need you to fight, too. I need you to want me. To want this. To show me you do.

The silence between us after that was thick. Buckets of oil sloshing in ocean water. But what’s that saying? We will always regret the things we didn’t do more than anything we wind up doing. Something like that.

I told you, the pace of our relationship has to temporarily change. You know I love you. You know I want to be with you. But I’ve been closed off for so long…

All I wanted to do was reach for him. To hold him. To temporarily let him burrow into my brain to let him know I wouldn’t break his heart. That I am not his ex wife. That I will never be his ex wife. But I knew him well. I know when he gets overwhelmed he shuts down. It’s not his most attractive quality, but we all have unattractive qualities, don’t we? It’s about looking past all of that. The bluster and the bullshit. Seeing the person behind the cloudy eyes and stormy disposition. I know his heart behind all of this. It is rough right now. (God, is it rough.)

Don’t push me away. I know things are hard right now. For both of us. Just let me in. Please. Let me be your friend, your partner. I’m not giving up.

I looked to my ceiling and for the first time in months, I let out a silent prayer: God, please help him. Us. I want this to work. Give me the strength to help him through this. To take whatever he throws my way. Let me be better than the woman I used to be. I don’t want to walk away from this. Let him be a better man for me. I know he’s not right now; but just like the faith I have in You, I have that same faith this will all pass.

I think I just needed to believe someone else heard me. I needed to know I had someone – God, an angel, whoever – else behind me, even if I couldn’t see them.

Yes, this too shall pass. Don’t give up. Keep looking up.

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