An Open Letter to the Man I (Still) Love

an-open-letter

It’s been over a year and a half since the last time we held hands. It’s not even the handholding that I miss most though. It’s not the interrupted conversation kisses, the lovemaking, or even the Thanksgivings up in Oregon with your family. It’s the fact that I lost my best friend. That’s not me idealizing anything – that’s just the truth.

Just Yesterday

Central Park

It was freezing this morning, and for whatever reason, it had me thinking about New York. And how it snowed in Central Park, such a brilliant white. I almost fell numerous times, and tree branches sparkled in the morning mist. Up and down the avenues we ventured, our breath dissolving before us. It took everything in me not to start a snowball fight with you – a spontaneous burst, like fallen stars and angel aura quartz. Clusters of flakes beneath Christmas trees of December 26. The paths were carved with flannel footprints and ice kisses. A piano playing softly when you took me into the Trump Building. And we scarfed down turkey burgers and ate so many sweet potato fries. And I couldn’t help but think what a sweet memory this would make someday.

Three Years

Three Years

The sun was shining bright beams this morning. Carried in the hands of a cobalt sky. Apollonian lanterns giving way to the death of night. I stepped into the shower and let the warmth envelop me. Under turquoise tiles, my toes crinkled and I felt my eyes close. And then it was happening all over again. The remembering.

Trunkspace

Trunkspace

There are days, still, even days like these – bright, burning, and blue – where I sit in the back of the Escalade with the trunk wide open, staring out at sawdust and cement, at old power tools that I will never use, and I imagine a different kind of life.

Even in Love

Even In Love

I used to have a very specific image of what my life was going to be like: snow, East Coast, New England architecture and a house littered with cocoa hues and a pathway that I would walk through hand in hand with that man in a blue suit and his neck warmed by a grey scarf.